I guess I hate on men too much so this could be directed at the ladies as well. If you are going to just straight up lie all the time, you better be AMAZING at it.  I’m talking legitimate pathological liars.

If you are confused as to if you qualify as this serious of a liar, let me help you out.  If someone asks you, “Hey, what are you up to today?” and you respond, “Well you know, I’m going to be really busy. Super swamped with work. Plus, I have a ton of stuff to do around the house. Got so drunk last night. Totally passed out. So kilt. Yeah anyway and some of the guys want to go out and grab something to eat. Busy day”, I’m calling bullshit.

As you will see I highlighted in bold the total bullshit, for now we will refer to it as the bullshit detector. Below is the same conversation decoded for us none liars to understand. Yes, we really do exist!

1. really busy- translation: “I’m really busy doing absolutely nothing. Not a thing. In fact, I think corpses are being more productive, because they say your fingernails and hair continue to grow after death.”

2. with work- translation: simply “That new duty came out last week and I’ve been playing non stop ever since.” This is a tricky territory. Don’t let him fool you. Missions within the game do not qualify as work. Therefore if he shouts, “Do work son!” while he is speaking to you, there is no concrete work actually being done.

3. I have a ton of stuff to do around the house: translation: “I haven’t been doing shit. There are zero clean dishes or glasses and I just ran out of paper towel, which was functioning as my plates for a while, so I may as well do the dishes. Also, I haven’t heard from the dog in a couple of days, wonder what’s up with that? No way. The Magic Bullet infomerical is on!” (Lost translation due to inability to multitask and have a complete thought)

4. Got so drunk last night- translation: “I went over to my dad’s and we had a beer.”

5. Totally passed out- “Passed out from crying that is. My dad and I got to talking about how much my life sucked and my lack of a decent future, and I started to tear up. He called me a puss and told me to act like a man, so I cried myself to sleep in my old room while my mom patted my head and called me her big boy.”

6. So Kilt- translation: “So embarrassing.”

7. some of the guys- translation: “Me and the guy who sits in the cubicle next to me at work. That is, when I actually show up to work.”

8. grab something to eat - translation: “We are going to pick up the company car from the cleaners.”

9. Busy day - “Wow, did I just lie that much in one sentence?”

- Not dressing like a whore

- She’s not a rockstar, nor John Lennon, 86 the peace sign Miley

- She cannot rap (Embarrassing proof here) Is she serious?

- Her gums are not cute, they are never ending.

- Nobody wants to party in the usa with her, especially if a Jay-z song is on.

I will be at the Penguin game, 6 rows from the glass on December 27th! They play the Toronto Maple Leafs. I am so excited, bursting is definite! Happy Wednesday!

Fighting with a guy can be amusing, yet frustrating all at once.  It’s like the equivalent of bending all of your fingernails backwards. In fact, sometimes I would rather do that than fight with a member of the male species. It’s always the same situation no matter what you do. It can be divided into 4 distinct, yet imperative stages.

STAGE ONE- DENIAL

This stage is very key, it starts the ball rolling with enough momentum to get them through the coming stages.  Apparently, no matter if you have seen something with your own eyes, a man will still deny that he has any idea what you are talking about.  It’s like they think if they say that enough times that whatever they are accused of just isn’t true. This stage can also be accompanied with sheer ignorance or what we know best as “The Silent Treatment”.

STAGE TWO- JUSTIFICATION

There comes a point in the argument when a guy actually discovers that there is too much going against him to continue his plan of denial.  He then moves into the justification stage. It’s usually not a easy or smooth transition. This is usually the point in the argument where I question the reason for my existence on Earth, and I commend the guy for actually frustrating me to the point of this epiphany. Anything and everything is somehow justified by completely turning a situation into something it is not. They have an uncanny ability to justify anything by giving the most redundant excuses for how they behave, and it is usually the other person’s fault. This moves us on to the next stage

STAGE THREE- BLAME

Blame game. It’s an oldie but a goodie. You will legitimately have a reason to be upset over something, but a guy will tell you that it is essentially your own fault for why he has upset you.  It’s that point in an argument where you actually believe human beings can spontaneously combust due to immense levels of stress.  When this occurs, I usually remind myself that murder is illegal.  Anyway, say you are upset that your guy doesn’t really pay any attention to your feelings. Often the case.  You tell him that you are upset and angry because, frankly, sometimes it’s like talking to a wall.  He rebuttals that he can’t be in tune with your feelings because you never want to discuss them with him in the first place, so he just doesn’t know how to “handle” you.  You tell him that it’s kind of impossible to talk to someone about your feelings when the person at the receiving end is watching Tim and Eric Awesome Show, and wasn’t even aware you were in the room until you hurled something at him. He then usually gets very quiet. Doesn’t say anything. Turns it over in his mind and follows up with stage four.

STAGE FOUR - THE APOLOGY

It’s rarely sincere. It’s the last tactic in his defense and the equivalent to the rising of the white flag in battle.  He does it just so you will simply shut the hell up.  It is easy to detect this because several times throughout the apology he will always have a “but we are both to blame” and “although this all seems like my fault”. I always just end up staring at the person and questioning if it was really possible for someone to be so ridiculous. The apologies can sometimes be accompanied with gifts. Nothing too extravagant, but something that will show you he “cares”, like season 3 of Tim and Eric for you to watch together. You know, so you won’t feel “left out” or “ignored”.