I will be at the Penguin game, 6 rows from the glass on December 27th! They play the Toronto Maple Leafs. I am so excited, bursting is definite! Happy Wednesday!

Fighting with a guy can be amusing, yet frustrating all at once.  It’s like the equivalent of bending all of your fingernails backwards. In fact, sometimes I would rather do that than fight with a member of the male species. It’s always the same situation no matter what you do. It can be divided into 4 distinct, yet imperative stages.

STAGE ONE- DENIAL

This stage is very key, it starts the ball rolling with enough momentum to get them through the coming stages.  Apparently, no matter if you have seen something with your own eyes, a man will still deny that he has any idea what you are talking about.  It’s like they think if they say that enough times that whatever they are accused of just isn’t true. This stage can also be accompanied with sheer ignorance or what we know best as “The Silent Treatment”.

STAGE TWO- JUSTIFICATION

There comes a point in the argument when a guy actually discovers that there is too much going against him to continue his plan of denial.  He then moves into the justification stage. It’s usually not a easy or smooth transition. This is usually the point in the argument where I question the reason for my existence on Earth, and I commend the guy for actually frustrating me to the point of this epiphany. Anything and everything is somehow justified by completely turning a situation into something it is not. They have an uncanny ability to justify anything by giving the most redundant excuses for how they behave, and it is usually the other person’s fault. This moves us on to the next stage

STAGE THREE- BLAME

Blame game. It’s an oldie but a goodie. You will legitimately have a reason to be upset over something, but a guy will tell you that it is essentially your own fault for why he has upset you.  It’s that point in an argument where you actually believe human beings can spontaneously combust due to immense levels of stress.  When this occurs, I usually remind myself that murder is illegal.  Anyway, say you are upset that your guy doesn’t really pay any attention to your feelings. Often the case.  You tell him that you are upset and angry because, frankly, sometimes it’s like talking to a wall.  He rebuttals that he can’t be in tune with your feelings because you never want to discuss them with him in the first place, so he just doesn’t know how to “handle” you.  You tell him that it’s kind of impossible to talk to someone about your feelings when the person at the receiving end is watching Tim and Eric Awesome Show, and wasn’t even aware you were in the room until you hurled something at him. He then usually gets very quiet. Doesn’t say anything. Turns it over in his mind and follows up with stage four.

STAGE FOUR - THE APOLOGY

It’s rarely sincere. It’s the last tactic in his defense and the equivalent to the rising of the white flag in battle.  He does it just so you will simply shut the hell up.  It is easy to detect this because several times throughout the apology he will always have a “but we are both to blame” and “although this all seems like my fault”. I always just end up staring at the person and questioning if it was really possible for someone to be so ridiculous. The apologies can sometimes be accompanied with gifts. Nothing too extravagant, but something that will show you he “cares”, like season 3 of Tim and Eric for you to watch together. You know, so you won’t feel “left out” or “ignored”.

QUESTIONS

Are you doing something I should know?

Are you drunk?

Chelsea, look at me. Tell me, are you high right now?

You’re up to something aren’t you?

What were you sniffing fucking paint or something?

Are you mad, because you look super pissed?

Are you Italian?

Do you enjoy making people worry?

Are you being sarcastic?

When are you going to grasp the concept of death?

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ANSWERS

1. I don’t really even understand that question. I believe it’s used very manipulative on purpose just to get answers out of people.

2. No, surprisingly I am not drunk 90% of the time. I get this a lot, and I’m not too sure as to why.  Maybe you are drunk. Get off my back. Oh, and even if I was, it’s my business, unless I end up crashing through your living room wall in an el camino. I would worry only then because I do not own an el camino.

3. I’m not high all the time either. Actually, I’m never high. Sometimes people just enjoy hanging out of car windows screaming profane things about Miley Cyrus, did you ever think of that? Leave my twitter updates out of this. I’m a totally sober tweeter. I think people like me are the normal ones and the rest of you are the weird ones. Think about that.

4. I won’t lie. I’m usually always up to something. It may be good or bad. It depends on what kind of week I’m having.

5. I don’t sniff paint, nor have I ever had the desire to. Sorry, I’m not a bad plot to the show Degrassi. I don’t sniff paint. I’m high on life.

6. No, I’m not super pissed all of the time. I just look mean, which has its advantages.  On one end of the spectrum, people usually don’t bother with me, which makes my day a hell of a lot easier.  Also, it’s a sweet surprise when people get to know me and say, “Wow you are not at all like I thought you were.”

7. Yes, I’m Italian. I guess I look that way. I haven’t figured it out yet.

8. I don’t enjoy making people worry, but hey you should always be on your toes right?

9. I’m usually being sarcastic.  One day it will catch up with me. I picture it as all of my friends and family being so sick of my sarcastic nature that I am banished to live alone.  I will have a dog though. His name will be Fuzz, but he will too soon run away because he is also just as sick of me as everyone else.

10. I’ll probably never grasp the concept of death.  Doing 70 in a 40 will always seem like a good idea to me. I’m immature. I like it better that way. Accept it.